Addiction. Such a sensitive topic. Not only because of the amount of people who suffer from it, but because of the amount of people who ridicule it. I should know, I used to be one of those people. Key words, by the way, “used to.” I’m not here to “preach” nor to glorify my days as an addict, my goal is to one day become a voice in our community who influences positivity for those who are and might one day be addicts themselves.
What makes me think that I can speak on this topic? Well you see… I believe that only those who actually have experience in a chosen field should be the ones who speak upon it. What sense would it make if I started a blog about the female body? Yeah, I know a thing or two, and like few men I know my way around it. But I’m not a woman. I never will be and I don’t face the every day struggles that a women faces. I’ll never have that experience no matter how much research I do. With that being said, would you rather have an actual drug addict give their opinion and input on addiction or someone who’s done “research”? Oops.
I guess I spilled the beans a tad early.
Hi. My name is Jay. I’m an addict. I’d say I’m a “recovering addict” which is true but I don’t know when I’m going to relapse or if I ever will again. I mean, yeah the goal is to stay sober but sometimes I feel like that’s all I’m doing anymore. Is that bad? Absolutely not. Addiction itself is not a crime. Okay yeah, your family and friends may look at you different or talk behind your back. Whatever. They’d do it even if you weren’t. And that’s a fact. People are impossible to please. Sh*t, I’m impossible to please. Sorry, I get sidetracked a lot. Back to addiction. DRUG addiction (something I should’ve mentioned earlier). In my case, DRUG addiction destroyed everything. Actually, let me stop myself right there. It wasn’t DRUG addiction who did the damage, we like to bestow so much power on our addiction as if it was a Godly figure controlling our every movement but it’s not. What destroyed my relationships, my well being and my financial stability were the decisions I made while under addiction’s mesmerizing trance. I’m lucky to say I’m a husband to one, father to two, brother to three and hope to be a voice for all who suffer from this calamitous disease.
Yes, I absolutely acknowledge k I personally ruined my life chasing the euphoric effects of opiates. When suffering from drug addiction you fall in love with every aspect of it. The feeling you get from hearing you dealer say “I’ll be there in 20” to the feeling you get when you hear tires rolling over gravel in your driveway knowing that your 3 hour wait is finally over. The rush itself is sometimes even better than the high. But I’m not here to idolize drugs nor am I here to demonize it. Like I said, we all make our own decisions and it’s those decisions that shape us into the kind of people we’ll become when under the negative influence of drugs. “This is so irrelevant, all junkies lie and steal.” False, though it may have been true for me and for the majority, but I’ve known a few who are fully capable of making an honest living, provide for their family and are still able to fill their veins with their drug of preference. Sometimes one, sometimes all.
Again, my hope is to become the voice for those who are unwilling to speak upon their own experiences, their wishes, goals, desires and failures. We need love and we’re capable of love. Most may think my post is amateur, irrelevant and undesirable. I apologize for taking up your time and I am truly grateful for those who even took the time to read this far. But my posts are mainly directed to those few who need to hear “you’re not alone.” Cliché? Perhaps. Necessary? Absolutely.
One more thing. I’m currently working on somewhat of a “memoir” which, like this blog, is meant to spread awareness and also reach out to potential addicts with the hopes that they use my experiences and opinions as a guide on what not to do. Below is a short excerpt from my book. Again thank you to those who took the time to read this far and not leave behind any hate. Although, for those of you who are interested in the topic or have your own experiences/suffer from addiction, please feel free to leave constructive criticism. I’ll be leaving excerpts on each post relevant to what I speak about and those who are willing to give feed back on the actual chapters please let me know. Thank you again. -Jay
I made many decisions when chasing my demon, trying to grasp her beauty. I reached until I couldn’t anymore, I ran. Ran as fast as I could until I tripped, fell and lost myself in the process. Does that make me less of a person? What am I now? Does my past get replaced by this alter ego possessed by the love for my demon? She’s a part of me, always will be. I can either accept her the way others accept God, or I can deny her and reclaim myself; forge my own path and rise above the devastation she created for me. I’m not another statistic. I’m a man. I’m a survivor. I am more than this addiction and I am more than just a “junkie.” I’m the chosen one. Even if I chose myself. I’m still the chosen one.– J. Addicted, “Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love”