A new day, a new year and a new decade. I can’t help but recollect all the times I’ve built myself up and tore myself down.
My whole life I’ve been so set on being successful and being the one person who people could see as an inspiration. Almost halfway through the last decade, I became an addict. The 2010s were by far the worst decade of my 25 years of life. Yes, I created a family of my own. Yes, I bought my family a house.
Aside from those accomplishments, I showed myself how painful life can be. I saw the misery I caused and I saw the abuse I didn’t know I was capable of. From mistakes I made with Lily, to horrible decisions I made which only led to my own emotional misery; these last few years had become Hell for me. 2020, I will never make the same mistakes and will only worry, HELP and be there for my kids and my Lily, if she decides to stay by myside. If not, I will still be respectful but just like everyone else who has taken advantage of me, my house and the fortune I once had, I will be THROUGH.
December 31, 2019.
I asked my beautiful Lily if we could spend this last year together to end the decade on a good note. Any woman would approve of her man’s request to spend the coming of the new year together. Her response ”I’ll let you know” which eventually resulted in her going to another party .
Upon her response and my solitude I began hearing my demon whisper at me. Telling me to feed our mutual craving. I can’t. I won’t. My goals revolve around my sobriety.
January 17, 2020
Upon a little more than half a month of false accusations, subliminal comments and messages, and constant neglect (by Lily and those who I STUPIDLY assumed had my back) I managed to work passed that initial depression and powerful craving after some self-realization I had. I made it an obligation to leave my house every day after certain events that were out of my control and knowledge. I need to better myself and accept that no matter what, I will be an addict for the rest of my life. With that being said, I will always be at fault for shit I never even did. I understand completely though.
People are so used to seeing the worst in addicts, whether they are in recovery or not, because of how society depicts us but also because of our own actions. Again I understand 100% as a victim from former acquaintances but as an ”offender” it just sucks being the black sheep. The scapegoat to every incident. This post is more for people who can understand from experience but also for those who could never because of their sobriety and own egotism.
Another topic I would like to speak upon is the effects that addiction has on the brain so that HOPEFULLY people can have a clear and educated point of view on what the cause and effects are of our change in personality. Even those who are at risk. It’s important to understand the affects addiction has on your body when contemplating on trying out your first drug. Even when studying the effects of how your loved one got addicted in the first place.
From experience, those who are addicted and even those who have witnessed some form of addiction are aware that many of the effects are physical withdrawal. One thing that many don’t put into consideration are how narcotics affect the brain of those under the influence. Addiction is mostly mental, so with that being said it’s crucial for those suffering. This is a huge factor and plays an even bigger role as to why addicts resort to their habits.
When a drug gets introduced into the user’s body, it causes a chemical reaction in the brain. The chemicals in the drug causes the user to lose control of their tendencies and stimuli. With that being said, addicts resort to looting or other irrational methods to procure the drug of preference because of the reaction it has on the brain. Because the drug causes euphoria, the brain begins to crave that feeling of pleasure. The brain is where all feelings originate from so when the craving isn’t satisfied it punishes the body with withdrawal symptoms.
These symptoms include:
3. Chills/sweats (where you feel cold but your body is hot and sweats profusely)
4. Shaking leg syndrome / arm and body twitching at an uncontrollable rate
5. Opioids can also cause severe issues with your health such as strokes, heart problems, kidney failure, etc.
8. Opioid cravings
9. Lack of motivation and unbelievably tired (mental)
Of course there is so much more such as runny nose, stomach aches, constant yawning, watery eyes, etc. But aside from these, that list is what I believe causes addicts to ”go crazy” and rely on their destructive behaviors.
Although it may be different depending on the severity of the addiction itself and the willpower of the individual. I, personally, suffered from everything on this list. From staying awake for 5 days and 5 nights at a time, to painful cases of shaking leg and uncontrollable body twitching. The experience was hell. I am not kidding when I say I would rather be dead. Maybe that’s another factor as to why I acted upon my suicidal and self-harm instincts.
One thing to keep in mind is that there is a timeline regarding withdrawal symptoms but I will speak upon my own experience. Remember, withdrawals are different for everyone. I recently spoke with someone who ONLY suffers from being tired and lack of motivation. I wish it was that simple for me but that aspect usually started within 6 hours of my last dose. After 12 hours I’d begin sweating, have runny nose, chills, pretty much any minor side effects. Anything that was mentally scarring occurred after 24-weeks later. The longest I was without any type of help or relapse was 5 days so believe me when I say, that experience left me traumatized.
My hygiene went to shit, I didn’t eat all those days, I couldn’t sleep and would cry every second because of the pain. I resorted to doing absolutely anything to avoid feeling it even if it meant losing my progress and relapsing.
So with this very basic summary of what hell addicts go through, we can understand why some do what they do and why it’s frustrating to be constantly get accused or doubted or even spoken down upon. Addiction changed my mentality. I never want to experience that again. I lost the love of my life, I lost friends, I lost my parents and I almost lost the love of my kids. For people to ignorantly believe that I would be willing to throw my progress away is a spit in the face. But I can’t be mad at anyone who has no idea what the feeling is like. Just imagine having the worst version of the flu that you’ve never actually experienced. Now imagine having that all-day everyday while having EVERY OTHER SYMPTOM LISTED. Me.
That’s THE HELL I personally went through and would rather die than experiencing again.
I take my mission and sobriety seriously. I speak about this issue in-depth in my book for those who are interested in reading it!! I’m currently waiting on my beta readers and am still looking for a couple more! Then I will finalize my editing and publish it! Early February is my goal!!!