A Chapter: Love & Infidelity

Hi everyone!! I haven’t posted in a while, but I’m sure you haven’t noticed since I’m a very small time writer. Typically I stick to the topics of addiction, domestic issues, and anything in between but today I’d like to share a chapter from my up coming book “Love & Infidelity.” I’m sure you can guess what the book will be about but incase you want to be sure, it will be about modern love, mental illness within a relationship, experiences with those given topics, infidelity and the mentality of a male/female when experiencing it, the affect technology and social media has on relationships, also other sensitive topics such as modern rape culture, sex, abuse, the stigma of gender roles within modern relationships and so much more. I’m sure there’s hundreds of books already discussing each topic but this book’s topic is something that I hold very dearly so hopefully my take on millennial and newer generations’ love will enlighten those who are not familiar with how different times are from before.

ANYWAYS!! To introduce this chapter, it is called “Infidelity” and I describe my views on the topic and how it affected me as an individual. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, give me your feedback and let me know if I should add or change anything. ENJOY!!

Chapter ??: Infidelity

From the many conversations I’ve had with people from each gender, one thing has almost always been a common factor; we all hated getting cheated on. Another factor that came in close second was the fact that we’ve all done it at least once. Whether it be having sexual and intimate intercourse with another, or sharing a passionate kiss with the person you actually want then using a spurious excuse to explain to your significant other why you smell like the person you just cheated with, why you’re home late, or why you’re receiving an excessive amount of texts and calls from “Domino’s.” Cheating is one of the most difficult actions to avoid doing and there is a chance that it will inevitably happen to you in your relationships at least once.

Truth be told, I’ve always feared getting cheated on. The one thing I constantly reminded every girlfriend I’ve ever had is that exactly. I always made it so clear that I could never face them again if I ever found out. I demanded honesty and that they be faithful. Did it work? No. Did I get cheated on? By every woman I’ve ever been with. The most painful experience was finding out that the mother of my child was having an affair with the man whose daughter I raised for over 7 years.

But what did I expect?

For that I have the one answer that could possibly be so much more unrealistic than winning the lottery, or even traveling back in time.
Falling in genuine and passionate love is what I naively expected. To be cherished and respect is what I naively expected… but then again, I was only ever an option.

It’s true that many men and women fear the same as me. Whenever I would be asked, that was always my answer… well part of it. Falling in love with someone, to the point where I’d start planning my proposal and planning our future, and then finding out that I have gotten cheated on will always be an on going nightmare. No matter how many more girlfriends I have, or how many times I end up doing it myself, that fear is what rests on my shoulders and constantly whispers in my ears.

Yes, I did say that I’ve done it myself. I’ve actually mentioned it twice already. That is the very reason why I initially brought up the fact that everyone cheats at least once in their lives. For me it was more than once though. From an innocent crush on another girl in my class, to a kiss on the lips of another woman who’d eventually be my girlfriend, then finally me sleeping with multiple other women every time she would text another man or would decide that I “was on punishment from sex.”

Why do we cheat? Why do we get cheated on? What falls into the category of infidelity?

There is a reason why the sixth commandment and the New Testament absolutely forbid adultery. A mortal sin with grave consequences. To me? The one act that absolutely destroyed me and my hope for love. The one act that I adapted into my life and destroyed the hopes of just as many.

We all have our skeletons and we all try to do our best to keep them in the closet. The truth can be damning. Whether it be a family secret or a secret at work, your significant other finding out what you did last summer or the law finding out the truth about a crime. There are always consequences when committing some sort of act of betrayal or adultery. The thing is we never think about those consequences or what they may do to the people we love. Many times we just don’t care.

Quoting a woman I had cheated on, she’s said on multiple occasions: “I don’t care how he feels, I’ll continue doing what I want. He shouldn’t have had sex with two other women.” Cause and effect is highlighted in her contradictory reasoning. Having unprotected sexual intercourse with another person to fulfill her fantasy of “revenge” against the man who she shared a bed with is the effect. The cause was obviously the fact that I had slept with two women. Was it for no reason? Absolutely not. This “cause” was also once an “effect.” The point being that infidelity turns into a cycle of pain, where the original cause that started this chain reaction becomes forgotten as more responses of adultery with adultery become the new norm.

My whole life I wanted to find love, get married, and have kids. I’m positive that many of you reading this all wish for the same outcome, while just as many others do not care for relationships that end in a family and a house surrounded by a white picket fence. They just want to have sex with the next man or woman whether they’re wrecking a home or not. Was this just the 1920s original dream of prosperity, individualism and pursuit of happiness that managed to become corrupted by 100 years of change? Or was the original “American Dream” a destructive device used by those in the government who attempted to control and distract us into chasing an unrealistic expectation in order to create a false sense of accomplishments and happiness? Well either way, this project failed. The idea of financial stability, education, marriage and family was quickly engulfed by the constantly evolving times due to its inability to adapt.

This modern time period revolves around sex with multiple partners, sex while on drugs and enhancements, and breaking as many hearts as possible. School has become an unattractive option due to children, teens and young adults getting rich from social media platforms, music, and other technology based talents. The many celebrity role models who have all had sex with each other and divorced their partners because they wanted to have sex with another person, the many false ideals and the consistent window into the lives of those with money has become a mirror for our youth.

Everyone wants to be a model, all the girls want to advertise their privates, have multiple partners and become independent with no help from the same men they welcome into their lives and bed. Boys see the life of the young male celebrities who date beautiful models and have another model the following week. They soak up the idea of disrespecting women and treating them as objects who tend to their sexual desires because they have a pocket full of $100 bills and can rhyme a few words in a below average manner.

Are the modern times to blame for the lack of respect for relationships? Or should we blame the skyrocketing rate of divorce over the past 50 years? Being a single mother and a dead beat father, both with multiple partners and children who they tolerate has become just as common and attractive as the celebrity life style. Both of which were influenced by the generation before hand. Millennials this, millennials that. Where do you think millennials learned from? It’s the previous generations who opened the door to the lifestyle we now practice.

It seems as if the new American Dream revolves around sexual pleasure no matter who it is, financial success by any means, and the pursuit of happiness by reaching the celebrity lifestyle (multiple partners, plenty of drugs to use, mansions to enjoy before hitting bankruptcy and leaving a mark in history with an online platform/presence).

No matter the case or the time period, infidelity is an issue that is older than the constitution. Even Mary was accused of cheating on Joseph once she was gifted with a child growing in her uterus which biologically speaking was only possible through sex at that time. But you know, religion. I don’t know about Joseph but if my ex tried to tell me an angel impregnated her, knowing I haven’t even touched her yet, she could have that angel pay child support because I’m out.

The thing about infidelity is that there never is a true answer as to why people do what they do. There is the reasoning they give people but then there is the reasoning that will go with them to their graves. I know it’s not as complicated as I make it seem. He cheated because all men are pigs. She cheated because her friends influenced her and gave her approbation for destroying the one thing they didn’t have, a relationship with a good man.

So what if he was always the type to cherish his partner and never resorted to infidelity? What if she could actually make decisions for herself and decided she was happier being spoiled? It goes so much deeper than the cliche reasoning that many believe. It’s so much deeper than her having sex or flirting with another man, and me kissing another woman while having her body the following night. We believe we are invincible. We assume that we will never get caught. But let’s put things in a more specific light. Entertain this point of view for just a minute or two and then you will have your answers.

Do you want to completely destroy your partner’s self-esteem and will to live?
Do you care that you wasted years of their life?
Had them raise your child while the other parent starts a whole other family?
Abused them physically and emotionally?
Had them go broke for you and don’t support them when they are broke, and finally cheat on them with the one person they hate the most?

You know what? Your conclusion and what you decide doesn’t even matter. By doing this or whatever your variations are/were, always have a victim. The only and the most obvious, the person you convinced that you loved. You broke their spirit. You destroyed how they look at themselves. You had them contemplate self-harm and had them go through a long and painful phase of depression. They will go from loving all to loving only themselves. Why would I even suggest it? Because this is not only a summary of what I have done and was put through, but a summary of what millions of people go through every day.

Why I Cheat

So let’s be clear, there’s a lot that plays into infidelity and deciding to go forth with the atrocity. The two questions I considered that go hand in hand are whether I deserved this betrayal and if she was ever satisfied with our relationship. Our relationship revolved around opening the metaphorical doors to our lives. Whether it be either of us flirting with certain individuals or her being out until the next day with another man. I decided that I had enough of the games. Maybe I did deserve it. At the end of the day, my response to having the love of my life, (the woman I saw myself marrying, the mother of my son and stepdaughter) go out from 8 pm and come home at 9 am the next morning, was to make her feel what I felt. I hated the fact that because I was temporarily at rock bottom and unable to spoil her anymore, she started looking for other partners who didn’t have my flaws. Who knew that’s all it took for a woman to give up on a almost decade long relationship. My late teens to mid twenties gone, just like that. I can never get that time back.

So that was it, I decided to have my response to her apparent infidelity be twice as hurtful and that it was. I didn’t look at our time together as a learning experience, I wanted to end it as brutally as possible to make myself feel better. But that wasn’t where the games ended, it was only the beginning. After being put in that position, I decided that forgiveness was never an option. Why should I forgive her for sleeping with my enemy when she can’t forgive me for destroying my body and my life? Or how about the times she wouldn’t forgive me for being a deeply flawed individual? That’s how I initially saw everything. Black and white. Cause with no effect. Upon learning of that devastating infidelity, my love for life, and my passion for enlightenment quickly eradicated.

It felt as if the bright hope of redemption that kept me moving forward began dimming until that dying hope finally became as dark as my heart. I felt dead inside, a part of me still does. I lost hope for life, I lost hope in love, I lost hope in myself. The 3 things that kept me striving. Yes, I probably did deserve that betrayal. But in my eyes, I felt that I was punished enough. In my eyes, I felt that I was finally reaching true redemption. To her, yes, I did deserve every bit of that betrayal. My tears, my agony, my spilled blood meant nothing. She PRAYED for my downfall and wanted to go to sleep happy, knowing that I was suffering. And for that reason I began to live only for myself, and exist only for myself.

We convince ourselves that revenge is the only way we’ll feel better. Even if it’s against the person we love with all of our heart. An eye for an eye becomes a lifestyle but when we keep that up, we lose our sight, we lose our feeling, we lose all sense of right and wrong. We stop caring about happiness and only focus on misery. Whether it be making the person you once wanted a life with feel as miserable as you do, the outcome will always be equal damage amongst you both.

This competition to break one another is the equivalent of you both tightly gripping the ends of a double-edged sword trying your hardest to gain control. The pain you feel and the pain you want them to feel meets at the exact point where your blood from those deepening cuts meet. Those streams of red racing to the middle before they reach a point where they begin to drip and form a puddle of pain, regret, and misery. Is anyone in the right? No. This tug of war is just that. And in war, there is no real winner, just pain, mental trauma, and collateral damage. Whether it be the kids you both raised, friends, and family you both involved or any professional help who’s time was wasted, in this war, there is no winner.

A theme that I will recapitulate is reasoning. Men and women may have similar reasons as to why the cheat, their mentalities will always be uniquely different. An example being, while my ex felt unwanted and no attraction towards me, I felt betrayed and thought I could teach her a lesson hoping she’d understand. Unfortunately, there is so much more to infidelity than a sob story from an unlucky and idiotic below average writer.

People cheat for many more reasons, it’s not just about money or lack of sex. There’s so much more and sometimes there’s nothing to it. Sometimes it depends on the mentality and personality of the man, woman or whoever is practicing the act. Sometimes it depends on the mood of the offender. I’ve done it for revenge. I’ve done it out of competition with other friends. I’ve even done it just because I had a thick, large breasted woman with a fat ass caressing my hair and my chest. Sometimes it’s that simple while other times it’s complicated. Are those valid excuses to destroy the self esteem of the women who I claimed to love? No but then again, I AM human. Right?

So their you have it!! I recently uploaded this chapter on my medium for those of you who use that platform as well, feel free to follow and I will do the same!! Medium.com/@fruitsofaddiction

Also, I am proud to announce that someone who actually cared enough to read my book left it’s first 5 STAR RATE!!! I’m so grateful to those who have been interested in it but for any new readers, here is the name of my first book! And it’s link if you want to purchase it to read! Or if you want a free copy to review let me know and I will gladly send it.

The Fruits of Addiction: A Pernicious Love

Thank you again and be good people!!

– Jay

Published by The Reticent

My goal isn’t even success nor redemption. The damage I’ve caused is way too deep. I look to provide a mental and emotional sanctuary to those need it and remind our people that change is possible. Who knows, maybe if I had that I’d really have success and redemption.

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