A Chapter: Love & Infidelity

Hi everyone!! I haven’t posted in a while, but I’m sure you haven’t noticed since I’m a very small time writer. Typically I stick to the topics of addiction, domestic issues, and anything in between but today I’d like to share a chapter from my up coming book “Love & Infidelity.” I’m sure you can guess what the book will be about but incase you want to be sure, it will be about modern love, mental illness within a relationship, experiences with those given topics, infidelity and the mentality of a male/female when experiencing it, the affect technology and social media has on relationships, also other sensitive topics such as modern rape culture, sex, abuse, the stigma of gender roles within modern relationships and so much more. I’m sure there’s hundreds of books already discussing each topic but this book’s topic is something that I hold very dearly so hopefully my take on millennial and newer generations’ love will enlighten those who are not familiar with how different times are from before.

ANYWAYS!! To introduce this chapter, it is called “Infidelity” and I describe my views on the topic and how it affected me as an individual. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, give me your feedback and let me know if I should add or change anything. ENJOY!!

Chapter ??: Infidelity

From the many conversations I’ve had with people from each gender, one thing has almost always been a common factor; we all hated getting cheated on. Another factor that came in close second was the fact that we’ve all done it at least once. Whether it be having sexual and intimate intercourse with another, or sharing a passionate kiss with the person you actually want then using a spurious excuse to explain to your significant other why you smell like the person you just cheated with, why you’re home late, or why you’re receiving an excessive amount of texts and calls from “Domino’s.” Cheating is one of the most difficult actions to avoid doing and there is a chance that it will inevitably happen to you in your relationships at least once.

Truth be told, I’ve always feared getting cheated on. The one thing I constantly reminded every girlfriend I’ve ever had is that exactly. I always made it so clear that I could never face them again if I ever found out. I demanded honesty and that they be faithful. Did it work? No. Did I get cheated on? By every woman I’ve ever been with. The most painful experience was finding out that the mother of my child was having an affair with the man whose daughter I raised for over 7 years.

But what did I expect?

For that I have the one answer that could possibly be so much more unrealistic than winning the lottery, or even traveling back in time.
Falling in genuine and passionate love is what I naively expected. To be cherished and respect is what I naively expected… but then again, I was only ever an option.

It’s true that many men and women fear the same as me. Whenever I would be asked, that was always my answer… well part of it. Falling in love with someone, to the point where I’d start planning my proposal and planning our future, and then finding out that I have gotten cheated on will always be an on going nightmare. No matter how many more girlfriends I have, or how many times I end up doing it myself, that fear is what rests on my shoulders and constantly whispers in my ears.

Yes, I did say that I’ve done it myself. I’ve actually mentioned it twice already. That is the very reason why I initially brought up the fact that everyone cheats at least once in their lives. For me it was more than once though. From an innocent crush on another girl in my class, to a kiss on the lips of another woman who’d eventually be my girlfriend, then finally me sleeping with multiple other women every time she would text another man or would decide that I “was on punishment from sex.”

Why do we cheat? Why do we get cheated on? What falls into the category of infidelity?

There is a reason why the sixth commandment and the New Testament absolutely forbid adultery. A mortal sin with grave consequences. To me? The one act that absolutely destroyed me and my hope for love. The one act that I adapted into my life and destroyed the hopes of just as many.

We all have our skeletons and we all try to do our best to keep them in the closet. The truth can be damning. Whether it be a family secret or a secret at work, your significant other finding out what you did last summer or the law finding out the truth about a crime. There are always consequences when committing some sort of act of betrayal or adultery. The thing is we never think about those consequences or what they may do to the people we love. Many times we just don’t care.

Quoting a woman I had cheated on, she’s said on multiple occasions: “I don’t care how he feels, I’ll continue doing what I want. He shouldn’t have had sex with two other women.” Cause and effect is highlighted in her contradictory reasoning. Having unprotected sexual intercourse with another person to fulfill her fantasy of “revenge” against the man who she shared a bed with is the effect. The cause was obviously the fact that I had slept with two women. Was it for no reason? Absolutely not. This “cause” was also once an “effect.” The point being that infidelity turns into a cycle of pain, where the original cause that started this chain reaction becomes forgotten as more responses of adultery with adultery become the new norm.

My whole life I wanted to find love, get married, and have kids. I’m positive that many of you reading this all wish for the same outcome, while just as many others do not care for relationships that end in a family and a house surrounded by a white picket fence. They just want to have sex with the next man or woman whether they’re wrecking a home or not. Was this just the 1920s original dream of prosperity, individualism and pursuit of happiness that managed to become corrupted by 100 years of change? Or was the original “American Dream” a destructive device used by those in the government who attempted to control and distract us into chasing an unrealistic expectation in order to create a false sense of accomplishments and happiness? Well either way, this project failed. The idea of financial stability, education, marriage and family was quickly engulfed by the constantly evolving times due to its inability to adapt.

This modern time period revolves around sex with multiple partners, sex while on drugs and enhancements, and breaking as many hearts as possible. School has become an unattractive option due to children, teens and young adults getting rich from social media platforms, music, and other technology based talents. The many celebrity role models who have all had sex with each other and divorced their partners because they wanted to have sex with another person, the many false ideals and the consistent window into the lives of those with money has become a mirror for our youth.

Everyone wants to be a model, all the girls want to advertise their privates, have multiple partners and become independent with no help from the same men they welcome into their lives and bed. Boys see the life of the young male celebrities who date beautiful models and have another model the following week. They soak up the idea of disrespecting women and treating them as objects who tend to their sexual desires because they have a pocket full of $100 bills and can rhyme a few words in a below average manner.

Are the modern times to blame for the lack of respect for relationships? Or should we blame the skyrocketing rate of divorce over the past 50 years? Being a single mother and a dead beat father, both with multiple partners and children who they tolerate has become just as common and attractive as the celebrity life style. Both of which were influenced by the generation before hand. Millennials this, millennials that. Where do you think millennials learned from? It’s the previous generations who opened the door to the lifestyle we now practice.

It seems as if the new American Dream revolves around sexual pleasure no matter who it is, financial success by any means, and the pursuit of happiness by reaching the celebrity lifestyle (multiple partners, plenty of drugs to use, mansions to enjoy before hitting bankruptcy and leaving a mark in history with an online platform/presence).

No matter the case or the time period, infidelity is an issue that is older than the constitution. Even Mary was accused of cheating on Joseph once she was gifted with a child growing in her uterus which biologically speaking was only possible through sex at that time. But you know, religion. I don’t know about Joseph but if my ex tried to tell me an angel impregnated her, knowing I haven’t even touched her yet, she could have that angel pay child support because I’m out.

The thing about infidelity is that there never is a true answer as to why people do what they do. There is the reasoning they give people but then there is the reasoning that will go with them to their graves. I know it’s not as complicated as I make it seem. He cheated because all men are pigs. She cheated because her friends influenced her and gave her approbation for destroying the one thing they didn’t have, a relationship with a good man.

So what if he was always the type to cherish his partner and never resorted to infidelity? What if she could actually make decisions for herself and decided she was happier being spoiled? It goes so much deeper than the cliche reasoning that many believe. It’s so much deeper than her having sex or flirting with another man, and me kissing another woman while having her body the following night. We believe we are invincible. We assume that we will never get caught. But let’s put things in a more specific light. Entertain this point of view for just a minute or two and then you will have your answers.

Do you want to completely destroy your partner’s self-esteem and will to live?
Do you care that you wasted years of their life?
Had them raise your child while the other parent starts a whole other family?
Abused them physically and emotionally?
Had them go broke for you and don’t support them when they are broke, and finally cheat on them with the one person they hate the most?

You know what? Your conclusion and what you decide doesn’t even matter. By doing this or whatever your variations are/were, always have a victim. The only and the most obvious, the person you convinced that you loved. You broke their spirit. You destroyed how they look at themselves. You had them contemplate self-harm and had them go through a long and painful phase of depression. They will go from loving all to loving only themselves. Why would I even suggest it? Because this is not only a summary of what I have done and was put through, but a summary of what millions of people go through every day.

Why I Cheat

So let’s be clear, there’s a lot that plays into infidelity and deciding to go forth with the atrocity. The two questions I considered that go hand in hand are whether I deserved this betrayal and if she was ever satisfied with our relationship. Our relationship revolved around opening the metaphorical doors to our lives. Whether it be either of us flirting with certain individuals or her being out until the next day with another man. I decided that I had enough of the games. Maybe I did deserve it. At the end of the day, my response to having the love of my life, (the woman I saw myself marrying, the mother of my son and stepdaughter) go out from 8 pm and come home at 9 am the next morning, was to make her feel what I felt. I hated the fact that because I was temporarily at rock bottom and unable to spoil her anymore, she started looking for other partners who didn’t have my flaws. Who knew that’s all it took for a woman to give up on a almost decade long relationship. My late teens to mid twenties gone, just like that. I can never get that time back.

So that was it, I decided to have my response to her apparent infidelity be twice as hurtful and that it was. I didn’t look at our time together as a learning experience, I wanted to end it as brutally as possible to make myself feel better. But that wasn’t where the games ended, it was only the beginning. After being put in that position, I decided that forgiveness was never an option. Why should I forgive her for sleeping with my enemy when she can’t forgive me for destroying my body and my life? Or how about the times she wouldn’t forgive me for being a deeply flawed individual? That’s how I initially saw everything. Black and white. Cause with no effect. Upon learning of that devastating infidelity, my love for life, and my passion for enlightenment quickly eradicated.

It felt as if the bright hope of redemption that kept me moving forward began dimming until that dying hope finally became as dark as my heart. I felt dead inside, a part of me still does. I lost hope for life, I lost hope in love, I lost hope in myself. The 3 things that kept me striving. Yes, I probably did deserve that betrayal. But in my eyes, I felt that I was punished enough. In my eyes, I felt that I was finally reaching true redemption. To her, yes, I did deserve every bit of that betrayal. My tears, my agony, my spilled blood meant nothing. She PRAYED for my downfall and wanted to go to sleep happy, knowing that I was suffering. And for that reason I began to live only for myself, and exist only for myself.

We convince ourselves that revenge is the only way we’ll feel better. Even if it’s against the person we love with all of our heart. An eye for an eye becomes a lifestyle but when we keep that up, we lose our sight, we lose our feeling, we lose all sense of right and wrong. We stop caring about happiness and only focus on misery. Whether it be making the person you once wanted a life with feel as miserable as you do, the outcome will always be equal damage amongst you both.

This competition to break one another is the equivalent of you both tightly gripping the ends of a double-edged sword trying your hardest to gain control. The pain you feel and the pain you want them to feel meets at the exact point where your blood from those deepening cuts meet. Those streams of red racing to the middle before they reach a point where they begin to drip and form a puddle of pain, regret, and misery. Is anyone in the right? No. This tug of war is just that. And in war, there is no real winner, just pain, mental trauma, and collateral damage. Whether it be the kids you both raised, friends, and family you both involved or any professional help who’s time was wasted, in this war, there is no winner.

A theme that I will recapitulate is reasoning. Men and women may have similar reasons as to why the cheat, their mentalities will always be uniquely different. An example being, while my ex felt unwanted and no attraction towards me, I felt betrayed and thought I could teach her a lesson hoping she’d understand. Unfortunately, there is so much more to infidelity than a sob story from an unlucky and idiotic below average writer.

People cheat for many more reasons, it’s not just about money or lack of sex. There’s so much more and sometimes there’s nothing to it. Sometimes it depends on the mentality and personality of the man, woman or whoever is practicing the act. Sometimes it depends on the mood of the offender. I’ve done it for revenge. I’ve done it out of competition with other friends. I’ve even done it just because I had a thick, large breasted woman with a fat ass caressing my hair and my chest. Sometimes it’s that simple while other times it’s complicated. Are those valid excuses to destroy the self esteem of the women who I claimed to love? No but then again, I AM human. Right?

So their you have it!! I recently uploaded this chapter on my medium for those of you who use that platform as well, feel free to follow and I will do the same!! Medium.com/@fruitsofaddiction

Also, I am proud to announce that someone who actually cared enough to read my book left it’s first 5 STAR RATE!!! I’m so grateful to those who have been interested in it but for any new readers, here is the name of my first book! And it’s link if you want to purchase it to read! Or if you want a free copy to review let me know and I will gladly send it.

The Fruits of Addiction: A Pernicious Love

Thank you again and be good people!!

– Jay

Take Control Of My Heath

I had to take back control of my health. I had no idea how much damage I had done to my internal organs, my mental capacity, and my spirituality.

Take Control Of My Heath

This piece by my friend and fellow blogger, Ken Grady, gives us a short and sweet insight on the arcane battle an average person in recovery must face. Unfortunately, we all learn the hard way that, as addicts, we are targeted as if we were all criminals. From being blamed for another’s shortcomings, to being seen as scum whenever we are casually living our lives. It seems as if those who look down on us don’t even acknowledge their own peccadilloes.

The fact that we are physically tired, sick and damaged plays a huge role in our lives. Not only because we “LOOK like addicts” but because the actual toll that addiction takes on our bodies can be fatal. This is just ONE aspect the Ken wittingly highlights. Many of us can attest that severe drug and alcohol use has cursed us and our organs from performing to the point where we are in constant physical pain. It all started as fun and as an escape but now we are trapped. Trapped in the continuous roller coaster that addiction places in our lives. This roller coaster gives us a feeling of excitement but with the many twists and turns, ups and downs, that excitement turns into fear and will leave us in a mental state of lassitude.

What about our spirituality? Well I can’t speak for everyone. Just like many aspects of recovery, we all have our own preferences and our own faults. It’s crucial to have a higher power. You need to believe in something especially when you don’t believe in yourself. Addiction possibly has the strongest effect on spirituality because of the simple fact that the whole experience seems like a punishment. I remember crying to God asking if he was even there. I cried out for him, for Jesus, for my mother, girlfriend, whoever. Did I truly deserve this pain? All I wanted was an answer as to why I was being put through this punishment. I lost hope and I lost faith. My spirituality was bleak and without that, what was the point? Sorry, I should say what IS the point. So hold on to that hope you have. Never let go of your faith. That spirituality is what will save you in the end, no matter how much you’re punished. It may get severely punished but hold on tight. This ride lasts.

Ken reminds us that although that roller coaster may seem never ending, it is possible to reach that end, but there is always a cost. The cost being that physicality, mental capacity and spirituality. So is it worth it? Is the punishment worth the ride? Honestly, that is a question I could never answer. my roller coaster ride is far from over. I can’t even see the final hill that will bring this ride to an end.

Make sure to follow Ken Grady! He will be posting more content on his blog!! Link is above!

Love & Infidelity

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for your patience. I look forward to sharing my work with you in the future but in the meantime I am going to give you a little insider on my current project.

I have yet to decide on whether I should make this piece into a post “Fruits Of Addiction” project or just leave it as it’s own and stay on topic (which revolves around love, infidelity, relationships, family etc.) but either way, so far I’m pretty happy with what I have. Of course I am integrating my own experiences into this project but I’m also planning on making it into a more thorough and better researched piece. Unlike my first book “Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love” which I wanted solely to be my own opinions and experiences.

I’m still a long way from finishing it, of course I’m looking to hopefully write between 150-200 pages (again) but so far this topic is very broad and making it into a personal piece may be a tad difficult in a sense.

Either way, the point of this post is to introduce an excerpt from this project to hopefully gain some insight on the writing and whether continuing would be a good idea. Also if I should make it into a FOA sequel or keep it as a new project. Thank you so much for reading, everyone!!! Enjoy 🙂

Part 1: Love

Love. The most beautiful feeling that one will ever experience.

Love. The meaning of life for most.

Love. The tragic end for others.

Love. Bestows a sense of completion along with a brand new vision on life.

Love. An ambiance that illuminates the vastly vaguest hearts and minds.

We all want to be loved, but as most have heard before; you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. That being the most heartbreaking piece of wisdom I once received from a woman who single-handedly tore my heart in two. She, the paragon of female beauty; I, a trembling specter.

I thought I knew what love was. I was willing to bleed out a river to demonstrate the love I felt for her. I used my sharpest knife to slice her name into my chest with the hope that she’d see the severity of my undying love. Not only that, I’d do it to remind myself that I’m alive. But now all I have left are scars throughout my body and polaroids of a past experience that left me with a hole in my heart.

I thought I was good enough to keep her happy, I was willing to yell out her name for the world to hear, even tattoo her name on my chest right over the scars that were slowly healing. I hoped that our mutuality would last just as long as those letters displayed boldly on my skin.

I thought that nothing I did would push her away, I was convinced that she would wipe away my mishandling as elegantly as she wiped those tears from her cheeks. Her skin left glistening after each tear raced down her face as if it was trying to reach her neck before being wiped away. It felt as if the more tears she wiped; the more her love was wiped along with them.

I swear I wanted her happy. Eventually, it felt like I was speaking only to myself when trying to convince an audience who saw the same flaws she saw in me. But there’s the main difference. While everyone else judged me for each flaw I unknowingly portrayed, she adored me. Those flaws are what she fell in love with. Those flaws are what made me stand out from the hundreds of men trying to be in my exact position. The beauty of our time spent together, stunning and sexy; as we kissed, and as she laid with the manipulative and conniving wraith I had become.

See, when you know how to use your flaws to your advantage and distort them to the point that they look like a unique quality rather than a damning disposition, that is when you can become whoever you want to. You can become the bad boy that she lusts over. You can become the warrior that she craves. You can become the source of stability that she needs. What exactly is this though? Manipulation so you could bend and control her at will? Prevarication so that you don’t reveal how damaged you truly are? Pray that she doesn’t see through your act because the second your true nature prevails, that lust she once had and those cravings for you that would drive her wild will quickly disperse. At that instance, she won’t love you for you, she loved that picture you painted. She loved the character you played. Your new role will be the stranger who she doesn’t recognize. She will feel disgusted for laying with you, disgusted for putting her lips all over you and disgusted for ever loving you.

– Jay

Again that was just a small fraction of what I have, but hopefully that was enough to understand what my overall idea is. To understand and try to explain the feeling of love along with the pain that follows when infidelity makes its way. Not just that, but other ideas that intertwine with the two. Please let me know what you think!!! Thank you all!

First Book UPDATE! FREE ALL DAY JULY 5TH!! Link below

As you all know “Fruts Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love” was published back in February 2020. Throughout the past few months the pricing for the ebook and paperback versions fluctuated to hopefully get more readers and also give potential readers something affordable for their quarantine until I finally found a temporary set price for each version..

The paperback version is $15 while the ebook version is .99¢.

With that being said, I also made several revisions to my book throughout these last few months. Overall I have updated the book three times. Although I struggled to find a version that I was completely satisfied with, I finally completed a version that I believe will capture my audience’s attention as well as convey the message I wanted to portray in a unique and vivid manner by staying on the overall topics.

Addiction, mental illness, child abuse, domestic violence, and being an addict of color in an environment where corruption is inevitable. As I stated many times before, I look to enlighten those who are at risk, those who are suffering/recovering from addiction, and give a personal and true perspective on the struggle to those who have never experienced addiction. It may be true that addicts are “scum” and “wastes of life” but it’s also true that we all have the drive to change our predetermined destiny or continue on the path of destruction and inevitable suicide.

To celebrate my updates I will be selecting days throughout July to give my potential readers and fellow addicts the chance to download the book for free. The first date being JULY 5TH. After each celebratory day the price will return to .99¢.

Thank you for everyone’s support and please enjoy my next few pieces!!! I decided to start working on my next book and I will expand my niche from addiction to overall life issues and how to survive your given struggle. Of course my personal issues revolve around failed love and addiction recovery, but I’ve also faced so many struggles that many of my colleagues would never and will never understand what those of us suffering go through!

Thank you all!! – Jay aka Fruits

Get your free copy of Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Love on July 5th, ONE OF SEVERAL DATES THROUGHOUT JULY. DATES WILL BE LISTED. Click HERE for redirection.

Colored America

Do you know what it’s like to be raised in poverty and as a person of color? Instead of comparing yourself and looking down on those who aren’t blessed enough to have a trust fund or go to college with a full ride, educate yourself in the many issues POC face. Although you could never understand a “hood” person’s mentality, maybe reading some of our many talented writer’s posts could help enlighten you on this issue.

We’re raised in an environment where we have to tear each other down and/or kill each other in order to reach a certain level of “success.” We all dream that one day we can reach a social status in which we aren’t judged based on the color of our skin. We hope to reach a level of success where we don’t have to rely on feeding off of addicts’ cravings or relying on a gun to somehow make enough money for essentials such as diapers. It seems that our pain only feeds White America.

“Don’t commit crimes and then the police won’t react as they do.” Of course that’s the idea but how is that possible when we’re cursed to live a life where crime is the only way to even survive? We need a license to get a job, need to pay child support to get a license but still need a job to pay for those debts. How does that make sense? Our parents are struggling just as much as us. Our kids will face the same struggles. Our ancestors barely even survived their era. So tell me again how easy it is to make it out the hood. Tell me again how I won’t get killed if I don’t do what I can to make money. Tell me again how my people aren’t put into this position from the second they reach “the land of the free.” If they knew that “free” actually meant “free to live on the streets” then maybe you wouldn’t have to worry about us “border hoppers,” “wet backs,” and “n-words.” This self proclaimed land of opportunity only gives us the “opportunity” to kill ourselves in our on going war against each other.

Goals? Yeah we have goals. From our youth we are shown throughout media, and any other sources of entertainment or inspiration that being rich, having women and enough money to fill a room is what should capture our attention. Being rich enough to buy our mothers’ a house or to have a six figure vehicle is portrayed as true success. By any means necessary. Whether it be from being talented enough to entertain our White “Masters”, gambling until you hit big or even sell enough drugs to have power, respect AND everything else “promised” above, we a given that diluted depiction.

Sometimes it seems like we’re only given any “opportunity” because we’re entertaining the white masses with our various and mixed cultures. We’re giving opportunists the knowledge they need to take our heritage and white wash and profit from it as they please.

We live in a time period where certain kids barely 18 are richer than adults who have six figures in college debt, that “by any means necessary” mentality has been normalized. Now what does that say about us a whole? The fact that recording a three minute song about living in poverty or selling your town’s favorite drugs makes you more money than 8+ years of sleepless nights to become a doctor and MAYBE make a fraction of an artist’s income. There are easily double, triple, quadruple, (even more) times more aspiring musicians, drug dealers, and other jobs we’re looked down for having than those who could make an actual difference in the world. Intellectual, creative young people of color trying to “make it” in industries that show no love.

I’ve met people who’ve made well over $100k in a year selling drugs with the only “debt” being a short time period in jail rather than spending years in a more institutionalized “jail” known as college.

Imagine being raised in an environment where hood royalty and ones “crown” symbolizes “success” and “respect.” But realistically, that Crown is made from the blood and tears of your family’s and your enemy’s loved ones.

Disappointment and pain are the feelings we grow up understanding better than we understand anything else. Hate is what we feel from people who could never live our life. Envy is what we get when we try to aspire how White America expects us to live our lives. We succeed in our own backgrounds and we’re hated. We succeed in college and 9-5 jobs and are still hated.

We know why, but what we don’t know is when we’ll be able to live in peace. We don’t know when we’ll be able to become the kings and queens our parents hoped we’d become by chasing this “American Dream”. A colored individual with the lifestyle and opportunities that only white Americans are blessed enough to experience.

– Jay. Fruits of Addiction.