I’m sooo sorry I haven’t been posting any content lately! I’ve been so busy moving from my house. It was a Terrible experience. Anyone who’s ever had the opportunity to live the rent free lavish life in my house, left ALL there trash behind. It was so aggravating cleaning after at least 3-4 sets of other grown ass mother fuckers who were completely ungrateful and unwilling to clean after themselves.
I’m sorry that’s not the point. The point of this post is that I’m finally done with my first book!! I hit the “publish” button and after years of drug use and months of writing, editing and reflecting, I am finally ready to share my story with anyone and everyone! My ebook version was already up for preorder but now both versions (ebook and paperback) will be available for purchase by the end of the week!!! Thank you so much for everyone’s support!
So I’m on the final steps to publishing my first book for those who are interested in memoirs, addiction recovery, and mental health issues!
The Fruits Of Addiction: A Pernicious Loveamazon.com/dp/B084FT8VYR/ … via @amazon MY FIRST EBOOK VERSION IS APPROVED FOR PREORDER!!!! My book will be released as an ebook and as a paper back book!
To celebrate, I’m going to add a quick excerpt from my book!
“I accept that I’m a person of color. I accept that I come from poverty and I accept that I will always be defined as a ”junkie.” When someone experiences addiction and successfully overcomes it’s affects, it develops a new sense of desire to share their experiences. This may not be true for those who kicked their habit and kept it pushing, it’s definitely true for me and for the few acquaintances I met while trying to advocate and spread awareness on addiction. See, after all of the pain I spread, my road to recovery was somewhat successful. I attempted to build a support base to hopefully spread knowledge on what addicts go through to hopefully open the minds of those who are curious and even those who may be at risk. With that being said, I am so proud and happy to say that I’ve managed to inspire a few recovering addicts/ active addicts to give back to their communities and help guide them through a healthy transition to recovery. I may not be a certified substance abuse advocate but I do believe that my experience puts me on equal grounds with those who have reached out for advice based on my experiences. I will never claim to know more than anyone else because everyone has their own unique experience but I at least am willing to become a positive role model. But even with my newfound mission to become a voice for addicts and hopefully, bring people to acknowledge addiction’s mixed with mental illness’ detrimental effects, I can’t help but sense doubt and hatred from those who know me personally. So a message to those who look down on us for being “junkies,” don’t try to hide it, we can always see the judgment and disdain in your eyes. And I have a quick question meant to make you think and please think deeply if you relate; when you realize things are ”missing” or ”out of place, ” the first person you think of is the one in recovery or the person who you assume is an addict. I would too and I have too but because I’d wake up to addicts looking through my room at 6 am. But those of you who NEVER experienced that, YOU’RE who my question is for. Why is that? Were you told as a child to believe that addicts are all the same? Or did mutual friends make you believe something you never saw with your own eyes? Like I said, as a victim I understand the accusations but as an addict in recovery, I’ve been interrogated for shit that made absolutely no sense or shit I wasn’t even in the premises for. The thing about people knowing you’re an addict is that they all become suspicious of you. Even after you been clean for however long, whatever credibility you had in the past becomes void. The same people who you’ve kept from becoming homeless, now think that they are “better” because, out of their many selfish and self-destructive decisions, addiction wasn’t one of them. I may have hurt my girlfriend and my kids because of it but those who were quick to judge me, still hurt so many more people than I did and didn’t have a demon to feed on a daily basis. It doesn’t matter if you’re the pope, or you’re giving your life to Jesus. The second anybody finds out you gave in to addiction, you’ll forever carry that label of “drug addict” and ”junkie.” At first, I resented the nickname but now I see that only the strong survive addiction. Those who haven’t experienced this hell will always judge and speak on this topic with pure ignorance but pulling through the negativity gives us in recovery a new sense of pride. I know that if I didn’t experience this hell, I wouldn’t be humble and I’d still believe that I’m illusively superior to everyone. But no matter what lessons I learn, some factors will most likely haunt me for the rest of my life. I see it as my demon’s final “fuck you” for abandoning her like a bad habit. Pun intended. The look that was once a look of happiness for meeting a new friend, acquaintance or even a love for someone they thought they knew, quickly evolved into a look of disgust. As if their eyes are yelling out, ”I’m better than you, ” or ” your poor parents, they’ve probably suffered so much.” Just say it. I know how much pain I’ve caused, I know how many tears dripped on my behalf. It’s no secret. Literally, anyone who found out who I really am treated me as if I was a fiend. To this day, I can’t walk in my own house without being accused of shit that never happened. No matter how many drug tests I pass, and how hard I work to keep my nose clean, that label sticks out and sets me apart from the rest. From false accusations of kids who want to feel relevant when adults bring my name up to jealous and envious ex-friends meddling in my relationships with “warnings” of habits that they never personally suffered. My past “love” will forever haunt me, whispering at me until I satisfy her own need for attention At this point I’ve been clean for months, by the time anybody even reads this book, hopefully it’ll be years. I don’t see myself in 5 years. Just like when I think back and see darkness. If I try to imagine what’s in store for tomorrow, all I’ll see is darkness. Though, I did learn to accept that living one day at a time was the best method for me to strive. When I was blinded by the haze my demon would leave behind, I learned to live in the moment and leave tomorrow’s worries to tomorrow’s me. That lifestyle may work for some people but not for me. Also, the fact that not having a productive day leaves me vulnerable to hearing the whispers of that “love” who single handily ruined my life, I developed a system that keeps me busy. Some days are harder than most but I’m happy. I’m motivated. And most importantly, I’m with the people I love the most” – Fruits of Addiction: A Pernicious Love, Chapter 16
Also, one of my close friends has been helping me out by giving me shout outs so I’ll do the same!
He says —> “Hi! Please give my page a look! This website is a pet store that offers a variety of affordable dog and cats beds, blankets, hygiene essentials etc. Use discount code NEWSUB20 for 20% Off entire order on top of the automatic 15% off new customers already get! Also, I’m looking for people who want their pets featured on our weekly/monthly blogs and also I’d love some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Site offers certain deals aside from the automatic discounts. Text and email tracking/updates and a message option with immediate response for those who need help or have questions. Thank you again everyone! Complex-quality.myshopify.com ”
Where should I start? This post may be seen as a huge contradiction and I can already imagine the shit people will want to say once reading this title. So why don’t you just go ahead and say it??
“Why are you idolizing drug addiction?”
“How could addiction be beneficial to anyone?”
“What type of message do you plan on sending with this type of content?”
Okay, I get it. Those who have never experienced addiction wouldn’t understand the point I want to make. I’m not saying that addiction itself is something to be proud of, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of neither. See, we all hit rock bottom at some point, some more frequently than others, and some stay at the bottom for longer than most. Again, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Well, as long as you learn from your mistakes and work towards a solution, that is.
Addiction is the equivalent to hitting rock bottom. Whether it be health-wise or financially, addiction affects everyone in different manners. Look at Eminem for example. He’s a legend who was a heroin addict throughout the beginning of his musical career and he PROSPERED. Some even say that his music was better when he was a junkie. He’s a rare case, of course, not many people end up being successful while being an addict unless they were born in money or have already set up multiple sources of income before succumbing to their demons.
Me? I’m not one of them. The second I lost control, I lost it all. But losing it all to addiction could possibly be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I previously explained that before I let drugs take over my life, I was one of you ignorant fucks who would look down on addicts. I’d be disgusted by ”junkies” and would have never imagined that I was looking at and making fun of myself.
So back to my topic.
How to make the best of your addiction!
In my opinion, life’s best teacher is experience. When becoming an addict, you do shit that you most likely would never do when you’re sober. Whether it be stealing from your significant other, or robbing stores and your job, you become a villain. At least that’s what happened to me. I would constantly ”borrow” my girlfriends money all the time ( NEVER FROM THESE OTHER victimizing fucks who accuse me everytime they make their own idiotic errors but feel the need to blame the junkie of the house). Okay yeah yeah, junkies don’t have morals, they hurt whoever they want blah blah blah. We all know how you “normies” feel towards us addicts. Anyways, I WASNT THAT KIND of addict. Well I WAS, but like I said I only targetted my girl. She was my one victim, aside from my jobs in retail. The reason why I stayed away from ”friends” and anyone who I knew is because I was a dangerous man when I was under the influence. I say that as humbly as possible. I take people’s bullshit now but back then, if anyone accused me of doing shit I didn’t do the way I get bullshit NOW, trust and believe I’d be burying their body in my back yard. I didn’t want people to look at me like they’re better than me. At the end of the day, my acquaintances had nothing to offer and were already leaching off of me and my woman as is. Nothing has changed in that aspect but still. No matter how much I changed in a negative manner, I always hated being judged by people who might as well be ”junkies” themselves, because they had nothing going for them just like the person they hate the most. Me. Sorry, I always get off track. My point is, once you’re an addict, hurting others becomes a norm and the glances of hatred and disappointment become embedded in our brains. For me, Lily’s tears were my weakness and it killed me that I was the reason she was so sad. Experiencing failure and pain can be traumatizing and can be heart changing enough. So use that pain and that trauma to your advantage. We all need a reason to change, and change IS POSSIBLE. With that being said, having your experiences help develop your character once you realize your mistakes. To me, the meaning of life is to experience.
2. Reflect on yourself
Cliche? Perhaps. But it’s important to get to know yourself. Why did you resort to drugs? Why did you pawn your TV? Why did you leave your kid alone while you went to get your next fix? What goals do you even have anymore? Truthfully answering the questions that you don’t want to answer is how I got to know myself. I realized that I became a piece of shit. From domestic violence to child neglect, I was blind to who I really was. Of course, over time I realized my many many MANY mistakes but that took so many sleepless nights of self-harm, suicide attempts and mental torture for me to finally see. The one thing I learned from my first ex, Curly, is how to reflect and realize my full potential. At the time, it was a miracle if I didn’t ”borrow” $50 from MY GIRLFRIEND, and that took an immense amount of will power and doses of honesty. I cried so much after I opened my eyes and I realized that suicide and drug use wasn’t my calling. I’m destined for more and so are you. Reading other people’s experience with addiction motivated me to face the facts, grow some balls, and finally look at myself in the mirror. After years of avoiding myself, I needed to see who I became. Finally seeing yourself for who you are takes a huge amount of courage but trust and believe, coming into terms with who you are and who you want to be will almost always cause a change of heart. Of course, this is a broad topic but let’s keep it as simple as I did. Be honest and answer the questions you’re too scared to answer. The truth hurts but overcoming addiction isn’t easy. Shit, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I used to wrestle in high school and college. Only the superior select few will understand THAT pain. Once you master the art of reflecting, it’ll help you get to know yourself and will be an essential skill throughout your life, even after overcoming addiction.
Personally, addiction helped me develop a sixth sense per se. This may not be as enlightening as you hoped for but it’s still an important aspect developed from hitting rock bottom. I’m sure many can agree that once you’ve endured the worst, you develop something that ”normal” people will never truly grasp. The ”sixth sense” and ”understanding” I’m talking about differs from the usual definition that people are used to. I’m a strong believer in understanding can only come from experience. Both go hand in hand and that’s a fact. Like I’ve said many times throughout my book, those who know what it’s like to be an addict are the only ones who will ever truly understand the suffering. You may be an advocate or some sort of health professional that deals with addicts on a daily basis but you’ll never truly understand what it’s like to throw up and have explosive diarrhea from withdrawals. You’ll never know the horrendous flu-like symptoms that last weeks. And you sure as hell will never understand the fear from putting ourselves and our lives at risk just to get our next fix. I can’t tell you my every experience as an addict but let’s just say I’ve stared death and years in prison, in the face on multiple occasions. Once you truly develop the ability to understand your fellow addict or trauma survivor or whatever the fuck, only then will you truly be able to understand other people’s predicaments. Personally, I learned to appreciate my sobriety and now use my understanding to hopefully be a pillar of support for those experiencing the hell that once consumed my life.
So with all that being said, maybe many of you may still disagree with me but I see my past as a blessing. I may have lost it all once but because of my strive and prosperity from using these lessons, I can make sure to never lose myself nor my life ever again. Hopefully, those in need already practice self discovery and reflection, but I think being optimistic about your addiction can have a positive effect on some. It’s not all bad, guys. Well, yeah addiction itself is fucking hell but things get better, and all I know is that I never want to experience this hell again!
A new day, a new year and a new decade. I can’t help but recollect all the times I’ve built myself up and tore myself down.
My whole life I’ve been so set on being successful and being the one person who people could see as an inspiration. Almost halfway through the last decade, I became an addict. The 2010s were by far the worst decade of my 25 years of life. Yes, I created a family of my own. Yes, I bought my family a house.
Aside from those accomplishments, I showed myself how painful life can be. I saw the misery I caused and I saw the abuse I didn’t know I was capable of. From mistakes I made with Lily, to horrible decisions I made which only led to my own emotional misery; these last few years had become Hell for me. 2020, I will never make the same mistakes and will only worry, HELP and be there for my kids and my Lily, if she decides to stay by myside. If not, I will still be respectful but just like everyone else who has taken advantage of me, my house and the fortune I once had, I will be THROUGH.
December 31, 2019.
I asked my beautiful Lily if we could spend this last year together to end the decade on a good note. Any woman would approve of her man’s request to spend the coming of the new year together. Her response ”I’ll let you know” which eventually resulted in her going to another party .
Upon her response and my solitude I began hearing my demon whisper at me. Telling me to feed our mutual craving. I can’t. I won’t. My goals revolve around my sobriety.
January 17, 2020
Upon a little more than half a month of false accusations, subliminal comments and messages, and constant neglect (by Lily and those who I STUPIDLY assumed had my back) I managed to work passed that initial depression and powerful craving after some self-realization I had. I made it an obligation to leave my house every day after certain events that were out of my control and knowledge. I need to better myself and accept that no matter what, I will be an addict for the rest of my life. With that being said, I will always be at fault for shit I never even did. I understand completely though.
People are so used to seeing the worst in addicts, whether they are in recovery or not, because of how society depicts us but also because of our own actions. Again I understand 100% as a victim from former acquaintances but as an ”offender” it just sucks being the black sheep. The scapegoat to every incident. This post is more for people who can understand from experience but also for those who could never because of their sobriety and own egotism.
Another topic I would like to speak upon is the effects that addiction has on the brain so that HOPEFULLY people can have a clear and educated point of view on what the cause and effects are of our change in personality. Even those who are at risk. It’s important to understand the affects addiction has on your body when contemplating on trying out your first drug. Even when studying the effects of how your loved one got addicted in the first place.
From experience, those who are addicted and even those who have witnessed some form of addiction are aware that many of the effects are physical withdrawal. One thing that many don’t put into consideration are how narcotics affect the brain of those under the influence. Addiction is mostly mental, so with that being said it’s crucial for those suffering. This is a huge factor and plays an even bigger role as to why addicts resort to their habits.
When a drug gets introduced into the user’s body, it causes a chemical reaction in the brain. The chemicals in the drug causes the user to lose control of their tendencies and stimuli. With that being said, addicts resort to looting or other irrational methods to procure the drug of preference because of the reaction it has on the brain. Because the drug causes euphoria, the brain begins to crave that feeling of pleasure. The brain is where all feelings originate from so when the craving isn’t satisfied it punishes the body with withdrawal symptoms.
These symptoms include:
3. Chills/sweats (where you feel cold but your body is hot and sweats profusely)
4. Shaking leg syndrome / arm and body twitching at an uncontrollable rate
5. Opioids can also cause severe issues with your health such as strokes, heart problems, kidney failure, etc.
8. Opioid cravings
9. Lack of motivation and unbelievably tired (mental)
Of course there is so much more such as runny nose, stomach aches, constant yawning, watery eyes, etc. But aside from these, that list is what I believe causes addicts to ”go crazy” and rely on their destructive behaviors.
Although it may be different depending on the severity of the addiction itself and the willpower of the individual. I, personally, suffered from everything on this list. From staying awake for 5 days and 5 nights at a time, to painful cases of shaking leg and uncontrollable body twitching. The experience was hell. I am not kidding when I say I would rather be dead. Maybe that’s another factor as to why I acted upon my suicidal and self-harm instincts.
One thing to keep in mind is that there is a timeline regarding withdrawal symptoms but I will speak upon my own experience. Remember, withdrawals are different for everyone. I recently spoke with someone who ONLY suffers from being tired and lack of motivation. I wish it was that simple for me but that aspect usually started within 6 hours of my last dose. After 12 hours I’d begin sweating, have runny nose, chills, pretty much any minor side effects. Anything that was mentally scarring occurred after 24-weeks later. The longest I was without any type of help or relapse was 5 days so believe me when I say, that experience left me traumatized.
My hygiene went to shit, I didn’t eat all those days, I couldn’t sleep and would cry every second because of the pain. I resorted to doing absolutely anything to avoid feeling it even if it meant losing my progress and relapsing.
So with this very basic summary of what hell addicts go through, we can understand why some do what they do and why it’s frustrating to be constantly get accused or doubted or even spoken down upon. Addiction changed my mentality. I never want to experience that again. I lost the love of my life, I lost friends, I lost my parents and I almost lost the love of my kids. For people to ignorantly believe that I would be willing to throw my progress away is a spit in the face. But I can’t be mad at anyone who has no idea what the feeling is like. Just imagine having the worst version of the flu that you’ve never actually experienced. Now imagine having that all-day everyday while having EVERY OTHER SYMPTOM LISTED. Me.
That’s THE HELL I personally went through and would rather die than experiencing again.
I take my mission and sobriety seriously. I speak about this issue in-depth in my book for those who are interested in reading it!! I’m currently waiting on my beta readers and am still looking for a couple more! Then I will finalize my editing and publish it! Early February is my goal!!!
As I lean out my window smoking one of my last few cigarettes, I can’t help but think about the few years I spent living with Lily. Most of which was hell for her, and I thought that I was seeing things clearly so I blamed myself for our pain. Is it all my fault though? I had full control of my actions when I was under the influence, just like I have full control now that I’m above it. But everything happens for a reason. Just like she was unhappy, I am too.
I thought that whenever I’d stop using drugs, I’d start feeling myself again. I thought that my suicidal tendencies and thoughts would go away. For a few weeks, they did. I’m quickly reaching the date that I will finally publish this book, where I promised that I’d stop spreading pain, but I can’t help but think, ”what if my existence is what causes pain?”
I’ve been sober and Lily still finds a way to point out my flaws and claim I’m hurting her. She’s claiming that ”I’ll never change” and that she can’t be happy by my side anymore.
I’m also quickly reaching the date where I have to finally leave my house. The house that I had initially bought so that my family could grow up happy but quickly turned into a refuge for people that had/have no respect for me, nor my family. These people being Lily’s family. I thought that sobriety would make this moment so much easier to handle and I could find a way to power through my intense emotions.
I know see that I might be wrong on both counts. How can I stop spreading pain when every time Lily looks at me she can’t help but express her hatred?
How could I deal with all of these changes when in reality, with or without my demon by my side, I still want to lay down, close my eyes, and never wake up?
I’ve kept my distance from my past. I’ve kept my distance from those who would guide me through that dangerous life I once lived. Guns, drugs, crimes and regret. Yet I still have my connections. Why did I stay in touch knowing I’d never resort to the lifestyle that once corrupted me?
It’s January 6, 2019. A day after my original publish date, an acquaintance from my past sent me information on a beautiful firearm. 6 bullets, looked like a two-shot Dillinger. My first thought? I need it. My second thought? I need it for myself.
The love of my life hates me and reminds me every chance she gets, and my worst fears are finally coming true meaning my time in this house is coming to an end. I don’t know what else to think. I don’t know what else to do. I thought that my love for opioids was the cause of my depression and influenced my acts of violence. Yeah, I may not be targeting those I love anymore, and I haven’t in MONTHS, but my depression? It feels stronger than ever. My cravings? They’re so powerful. I could hear my demon whispering at my alter-ego, trying to wake him up. Trying to make her way back into my body where she’d attach herself and never let go. I don’t want to give in, I don’t want to go back to the life that destroyed everything but what do I have left?
I never expected to become a drug addict, but after I did and hit rock bottom, I never expected to find the strength to start climbing out of the hole I dug for myself. But I haven’t fully reached the top of the hole; I still have to face the consequences and aftermath of my recently solved addiction issue.
Once we leave this house I understand that Lily will take her own path with the kids. It’s so devastating that she’s been acting so secretive that I wouldn’t be surprised if she already has a whole other replacement for me. I know I shouldn’t be negative but I can’t help it. It feels as if my depression has a vital clutch on my essence.
I can’t help but wonder if all of this writing and networking through Twitter, Instagram, and other social media is enough. Am I doing all of this for my goal to spread awareness or for myself, to hopefully catch an eye and have someone notice my never-ending pain? Are my intentions truly as selfish as I believe them to be?
My intentions have always been pure. I can’t let that negativity and mental weakness keep dragging me down anymore. I destroyed my life once, and at this point, the only way I can go is up. I’ve experienced sleeping in the cold, I’ve experienced starvation. I need to understand that I am not living for myself. With or without Lily, I’m a father. With or without my family, I’m still alive. I’m fully aware of my potential, and I know what my capabilities are. Maybe I have to prove myself all over again but that’s a process that everyone has to take.
RECOVERY IS NOT EASY.
January 9, 2020.
After a few days of self-pity and depression completely taking control of my daily activities, I managed to stumble across stories of success on Twitter.
The whole time I was feeling bad for myself, others were only beginning their journey of self-discovery and recovery. Seeing a woman post a selfie every day for a whole week, sweaty, visibly weak, but still have a huge smile on her face. Another man reaching his 42nd day sober. Then another man writing poems about his own journey against addiction, whose words helped me realize that sobriety isn’t just for your loved one’s happiness. Sobriety is a lifestyle meant to help you realize your own happiness.
Yes, I am so much happier since I stopped getting high every day. Of course, I have my cravings and moments of depression but I still managed to keep myself together. If others could be happy, I could too.
Regarding the hardships that my family and I are facing, there’s nothing I can do to avoid any of that from happening. And Lily feeling hatred instead of love for me? Well I have enough love for the both of us. What I did is unforgivable but maybe my story can prevent another couple from facing the hate and trauma I caused with my woman. Again, I can’t do anything to prevent her hatred towards me but I can at least be the man she needs now that I can at least see clearly again. As for my own emotional issues, I might have to do more research on how to cope with my regrets but I feel motivated again. Maybe these past few days feeling weakness is what I needed… Oh and my book!! I decided that I need to be happy with it before I publish it and I’m not happy yet! I’m still waiting for beta readers and reviewers to look it over but I am happy to say that it should be ready in a few weeks!
I waited a few days to finalize this post because I wanted to show my readers that it’s okay to want to give up. Whether you have a support system or not, the most important person to be honest with is YOURSELF.
I hope I don’t give off the wrong idea, but my point is to stay true to yourself. Like I said, recovery isn’t easy but it’s doable. It’s life-changing and it’ll completely change your perspective once you clear your mind of all the toxicity caused by your substance of preference.
I’m human too guys, and I am not perfect at all. I’ve made so many mistakes but no matter what hardships I will continue to face, I know that I can be the rock star I’m meant to be. I really hope I didn’t contradict my overall mission but I had to be honest because I know I’m not alone, and neither are any of you.